Story of my Life

The life of a somewhat relatable girl.
Ed Sheeran

—Autumn Leaves

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to the person that means the most to me, even though I am unaware of my place in your life. I know I shouldn’t be torturing myself like this…but I really don’t think anything that I’ve done so far has resolved anything. All I know and feel is that there is the biggest void in my life: it’s hollow and it’s a scary place. I’ve learned how to fill the space quickly, but it doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s kind of funny because I’ve become almost unconscious of my conscious life, like it’s not happening, like nothing has a consequence.

I don’t know how these things work… but I miss you terribly, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that much longer. Am I supposed to find someone better than you? Someone I could treat better than you? I wished it was all over and you would feel the same way because that dream I had a few nights ago was all too real. I could kiss your small face again and we could drive off listening to music.

I loved you… and I still love you…and this is probably going to the be one of the hardest days that I could face. How I can’t buy you dinner or make you feel special on your special day. That’s the hardest part. How I can’t hold your hand, or smile or be happy because I’m trying to recall all the things you did wrong when you last talked to me. My happiness will be replaced with anger and terrible lonliness, but there’s really nothing I can do about it.

There are too many things that you’ve given to me, and there is too much love that I cannot repay you for. But I want you to know that I am thankful that you were born today, that I know you, that I could have some of the best fun with you that I will probably ever have with someone like you for the rest of my life.

Let’s smile at each other again. This is exhausting. It’s more tiresome to be sad.

So if you see this, I pray that it will finally change things between us, because I’m tired of this, and I don’t want anybody to hear me cry anymore.
I haven’t even stepped into SportsCheck or Future Shop or Bench or anywhere we’ve gone. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Is this a mistake? Am I stupid to do this? Based on what you did you deserve nothing… but unfortunately for myself I am too forgiving to someone that I loved with all of my heart.

So happy birthday to you.

I need to exercise.

Does anyone still listen? I hope so. 

I was so in love, and I was so happy. 

Was it really love and happiness? 

Apparently I don’t know what that means. 

It’s funny. How things like that turn out. I’m so angry, but I’m trying to be so patient…in the sense that I need to keep myself together. 

It’s tiring me out. I am so,so,so tired. 

I don’t need pity. I just need courage, sincerity, even honesty if it has to go there. 

I’m not going to cry tonight like I have been other nights. It’s enough. It’s just disappointing that someone that you think is a genuine honest person towards you, a man towards you, turns out to be a total boy. 

What does this mean?

I will begin again. 

I just thought that it would mean that I could get an explanation. 

Hahaha, but honestly who am I kidding? 

Sorry that this post is so change of emotions, but it’s been like this the whole 3 weeks. 

Happiness

I think I finally know what I want for myself. People have very diverse definitions of happiness, and I think I have come up with my own. 

Happiness would be stability, and being able to not over indulge in life. Up until now, I believed that overindulging yourself with a variety of things could be satisfying… but you don’t need much to be happy. It’s a simple concept… the whole “less is more” ordeal… To be able to manage your time, and to only save the lazy days for when you actually need it. To be humble and to never draw attention to yourself…To lower yourself to everyone, to never try and be better than anyone. To only better yourself. To be selfless. To be loving, and to be appreciative of the little things. To look at the sunshine with a calm smile, and to embrace the rain. To fix relationships…to heal your heart. To pray and be so thankful because you are so blessed. 

be-sane:

I haven’t laughed that hard in like a million years. Omg that was the best. 

Always… XD 

(Source: humoristics, via youreanincompoop)