Happy birthday to the person that means the most to me, even though I am unaware of my place in your life. I know I shouldn’t be torturing myself like this…but I really don’t think anything that I’ve done so far has resolved anything. All I know and feel is that there is the biggest void in my life: it’s hollow and it’s a scary place. I’ve learned how to fill the space quickly, but it doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s kind of funny because I’ve become almost unconscious of my conscious life, like it’s not happening, like nothing has a consequence.
I don’t know how these things work… but I miss you terribly, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to live with that much longer. Am I supposed to find someone better than you? Someone I could treat better than you? I wished it was all over and you would feel the same way because that dream I had a few nights ago was all too real. I could kiss your small face again and we could drive off listening to music.
I loved you… and I still love you…and this is probably going to the be one of the hardest days that I could face. How I can’t buy you dinner or make you feel special on your special day. That’s the hardest part. How I can’t hold your hand, or smile or be happy because I’m trying to recall all the things you did wrong when you last talked to me. My happiness will be replaced with anger and terrible lonliness, but there’s really nothing I can do about it.
There are too many things that you’ve given to me, and there is too much love that I cannot repay you for. But I want you to know that I am thankful that you were born today, that I know you, that I could have some of the best fun with you that I will probably ever have with someone like you for the rest of my life.
Let’s smile at each other again. This is exhausting. It’s more tiresome to be sad.
So if you see this, I pray that it will finally change things between us, because I’m tired of this, and I don’t want anybody to hear me cry anymore.
I haven’t even stepped into SportsCheck or Future Shop or Bench or anywhere we’ve gone. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
Is this a mistake? Am I stupid to do this? Based on what you did you deserve nothing… but unfortunately for myself I am too forgiving to someone that I loved with all of my heart.
So happy birthday to you.